Domestic Violence Q&A with Marlesse Jones
Hi! I’m glad you're here!
Before you begin reading, I want to give a heads up that the content of this conversation may be triggering for anyone who has experienced/is experiencing domestic and/or intimate partner violence.
If you’re in immediate danger CALL 911
National Domestic Violence 24/7 Hotline Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Text: LOVEIS to 22522 or visit thehotline.org/help/ to chat with someone online
The 24/7 Link Line to the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition 1-800-897-5465 (LINK)
As I’m sure you’ve seen on local, national and even international news, Domestic Violence is dramatically increasing as isolation creates greater more frequent conflict. I can’t even begin to fathom being confined with my attacker day after day. Fortunately, domestic abuse/intimate partner violence is a foreign concept to me and many of you and because so, it can feel uncomfortable and scary making it easy to avoid, BUT we can’t.
We need to show up for those whose reality is far beyond uncomfortable/scary. They need to know they’re seen, not forgotten and they’re worth defending/fighting for. In hopes to further education and much needed awareness, I asked a dear friend and mentor of mine, Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Resource Prosecutor, Marlesse Jones to answer a few questions.
Marlesse has spent years of her life advocating for victims everywhere. She currently serves on the Utah Prosecution Council for the Utah Attorney General’s office. She provides training for state prosecutors and law enforcement officers to continue education and awareness and to ensure justice and ethical standards are being upheld.
Topics such as these seem to be sometimes avoided in conversation bc of the “it’ll never happen to me” mindset. In my own experience, prior to my attempted murder, I regretfully admit that I would consciously or subconsciously avoid all things self defense related bc “I lived in Utah” and for some reason thought it would never happen to me. I recognize similar avoidance with domestic violence. Just like we can change the conversation around self defense, I believe we can change the conversation around domestic violence.
Let’s go!
How can WE change that mindset and start conversations to empower, educate and show support?
The biggest obstacle is talking about. People who haven’t experienced abuse are uncomfortable and people who have experienced abuse are uncomfortable. Within those limitations we can all play a part in opening up those conversations more. Something as simple as sharing a message on Facebook letting people know/reminding them it’s real/common.
For example I shared a link on my FB that talking about sometimes being home with family members isn’t a happy thing. Sometimes it does bring about hard times and abuse.
Another way to do it is just to be that ear if someone does confide in you and to learn how to have a validating response like, “I'm so sorry that's happening to you, you don’t deserve that.” Very simple.
You don't have to be an expert in domestic abuse. Just be responsive and participate in letting people know they deserve to be safe.
What are some signs of abuse to be aware of/look for?
Physical signs. Severe and unexplained or continual bruising/injuries. Common excuse, “Well I bruise easily.” While some people do bruise easily, it’s not a common occurrence in a day to day interaction with others.
Emotional signs may include: strung out, over stressed, constantly being on overload.
A quick easy thing to pick up on is someone apologizing a lot when it seems unnecessary to apologize. This is a habit of showing submission to try and mitigate consequences.
It’s important to see it. * Be aware, keep your eyes open* If you see someone with an injury you can ask about it in a simple way like, “Oh my gosh! I see you have a cut on your arm. You must have a story for that.”
What are three things a victim of DV can do right now to help themselves?
There’s no one size fits all response to anyone in an abusive relationship. Abuse can encompass many different behaviors so this is a hard question to answer.
1. Have a physical and emotional plan for safety.
It can be as simple as, “Maybe I can avoid being in the bathroom and/or kitchen because there are hard objects in there.” or for someone experiencing sexual abuse it can be as simple as, “Maybe I can avoid being in the bedroom because that’s an area where I can be targeted and controlled.” Emotionally it could be something like recognizing when you’re the most lonely.
If you have a loved one in an abusive relationship or if you yourself are in an abusive relationship ask yourself this question, If he or she was to disappear (meaning the perpetrator) off the earth what would you miss the most? Think about what your answers might be.What that looks like for everyone is different. It might be as simple as how he holds me, because when he holds me I feel connected and loved and safe. Even though the majority of the rest of the time he’s not kind to me, he’s not loving, he does hurt me. Recognize these emotional triggers, so you can control them before feeling lonely.
2. Self care.
Something as simple as taking a hot bath, taking a moment to recognize you’re in control of your own breath, exercise, meditate.
3. Tell someone.
Reach out to someone you can trust and not get in the middle of your abusive circumstance because that can escalate the risk factor for you and them. If you don’t know someone, that’s okay! Call the Link Line to the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition 1-800-897-5465 (LINK) or National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) both are available 24/7.
Creating a safety plan is the first step of preparation for self-defense. I.e. I have a plan for what I will do if I’m walking to my car, getting gas, traveling, etc. that I constantly replay and practice.
Why are safety plans for victims of DV/IPV vital?
The short answer is….when we are in defense circuitry we only have habits and reflexes. When we're in executive circuitry, when we're non-threatened, we can weigh alternatives, we can make choices, we can override habits, we can recall information and details chronologically. When we’re in our defense circuitry we cannot. We have habits and refluxes, we're not experiencing life in a chronological order and our memory encoding is impacted by the stress that we’re under. So, yes, replaying and practicing these plans is so important because it needs to be encoded in the defense circuitry of our brains. Practice it as much as you can with your senses. Think through it, talk about it, touch things, move certain ways, etc.
Can victims of DV/IPV start making a plan now/in the midst of their isolation/abuse?
Yes! It’s never too late to create a plan. It doesn't have to be formal or extensive (see examples in last response). The Link Line to Utah Domestic Violence Coalition as well as thehotline.org have victim advocates who can walk you through and help you create safety plans.
You can also call the non-emergency line to your local police department where they will be able to get you in contact with a victim advocate who can do the same.
What can victims expect when calling any of these hotlines/resources?
Someone to answer. The option to be anonymous. They can provide support group information, shelter information, and connect you to local, national, and digital resources. There’s not a time and/or call limit.
**Be careful with the way you're contacting help. Develop safe habits on a daily basis to avoid triggering a response from perpetrators. Clear your browser, erase your history, delete your phone calls.**
Are local (Utah) shelters closed due to covid-19?
I’m not aware of any that are closed. I know they’re running within the limitations they can with Covid-19 restrictions. For example they don’t have the luxury of fitting as many people as needed in a room to keep them safe bc of distancing restrictions.
Ultimately, they’ll help you find a safe place whether that’s a shelter or hotel.
For more information contact UDVC
It’s common for abusers to use manipulation as a form of abuse/continued abuse. What are some signs of abuse that aren’t physical?
Domestic violence is a pattern. It’s a campaign of behavior that assert power and control over a victim.
The power control wheel gives a lot of examples of behaviors that aren’t criminal, but are abusive.
In my own experience, I remember beating myself up about not fighting back when my attacker used a nice voice. The forms of manipulation are intimidating and can be controlling. However, if we can learn about them now so we can point them out we can take away that control and intimidation.
One of the most commonly asked questions is, Why don’t victims just leave?
Again, there’s no one size fits all response to anyone in an abusive relationship. It’s easy for us to think, What’s wrong with her? Why doesn't she leave? There’s very valid reasons why she doesn't leave. It is important to realize that once a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship the risk of fatality meaning that they may die increases by 75%.
“When we blame victims we’re making excuses for abusers.”
When we’re saying things like “Why did she do this?” then we're saying that he shouldn’t be held responsible for something he did because of something she did.
WE NEED TO RALLY AND MAKE SURE VICTIMS HAVE ALL THE RESOURCES THEY NEED TO BE SAFE UNTIL IT IS THE BEST TIME TO LEAVE.
Marlesse recommends reading, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
If/when someone comes to me about being abused, what should I do?
Always listen and give validating responses such as, “I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. You don’t deserve that.” Reminded them of their worth and that they’re loved.
Refer them to thehotline.org and/or the link line (as mentioned above).
We tend to want to jump in and help others, but it’s important that we don’t do that because they need to develop that strength, self awareness, and skills. They need to develop that network of help and not just rely on one person. They already have that person telling them how life was going to be- they don’t need us to take over that role.
I remember when I was in second grade we had eggs in an incubator and was so excited the eggs were about to hatch. I specifically remember when this chick was ready to hatch. What did I want to do? I wanted to help it! I wanted to crack that shell right open and crack that shell and get that chick out! I remember the teacher telling me that if I did that the chick wouldn’t be strong enough to live. I had to let it fight its way out and provide a safe place for it. Which we did, it was in an incubator, it was warm, it was safe, there were no predators around and just allow it to crack the egg and get itself out. That has always stuck with me, especially with dealing with boundaries with survivors of traumatic events such as domestic violence. They have the strength. These are incredibly strong people that are in these relationships. They're in there for other reasons, not because they're weak.THey’re incredibly strong. They have the ability. They just need to recognize it and to use it and to figure out when it’s safe to use it. SO us jumping in a breaking and peeling that eggshell away from them does not help them. We want to empower them, encourage them, tell them we believe in them, give them the resources, give them the information, be there for them and have the boundaries to let them do it themselves so when they get out of the egg they are strong enough to survive.
HOW’S THAT FOR A POWERFUL ANALOGY?!
It’s true too. Having to breakout of my own eggshell is the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. If I can do it, you can too. If you are a victim of any form of violence, I highly recommend finding a victim advocate. I’m telling you, getting a victim advocate like Marlesse was the best thing I could’ve done to become more resilient in my continued healing.
Marlesse has been at the top of my list of people who have helped me and continue to help me. I couldn’t be more grateful for the important and needed work she’s doing for me and so many like me it’s truly life saving.
Don’t worry, we’ll hear more from Marlesse as she and I will continue to work together advocating for victims everywhere!
Be sure to follow @thebiamovement on Instagram for more advocacy efforts!
To those of you currently in an abusive relationship please know you’re not alone. We’re in your corner cheering you on and will continue to do our part in advocacy to create a safe place of hope, help and healing for YOU to keep fighting. You’re worth defending. You’re worthy of everything good. You’re mighty. You’re powerful.
And to the fortunate ones like me who haven’t experience this type of abuse firsthand, let’s continue to keep our eyes and hearts open so we’re aware and ready to help where we can.
We’re stronger together,
Bre
*I sincerely believe in these helpful resources below. Check out their websites & call their hotlines. They’re there to help and they know how. As stated above- be careful with your search histories, call logs, etc.
CALL 911 if in danger/need immediate help
National Domestic Violence 24/7 Hotline Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Text: LOVEIS to 22522 or visit thehotline.org/help/ to chat with someone online.
The 24/7 Link Line to the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition 1-800-897-5465 (LINK)
